Forums → The Tavern → Answering a TELEMARKETER

There's another thread like this, but it might be too old to necro.

Yeah it's over a year old.

It would probably go a bit like this:
Telemarketer: "Hello, would you like to hear about our amazing new-"
Me: "THIS IS THE TALE OF CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, PIRATE SO BRAVE ON THE SEVEN SEAS, A MYSTICAL QUEST TO THE ISLE OF TORTUGA, RAVEN LOCKS SWAY ON THE OCEAN'S BREEZE."
Telemarketer: "I'm sorry would you still like to hear about our product?"
Me: "oh yes I'm sorry please continue"
Telemarketer: "Our wonderful new device can do blah blah blah blah, and if you order now you even get an extra stupid device thing, all for only-"
Me: "NOW BACK TO THE GOOD PART, FROM THE DAY HE WAS BORN HE YEARNED FOR ADVENTURE, OLD CAPTAIN JACK GIVING THEM WHAT FOR-"
Telemarketer: "I'm sorry are interested in our product or not?"
Me: "...No, LIFE IS A BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND MY NAME IS FOREST GUMP-"
Telemarketer: *hangs up*

I dont answer them,ever.

In this case, actions speak louder than works. A telemarketers best friend on my pone is the end call button.

"City Morgue: you bag 'em, we tag 'em! How can I help you?"

Telemarketer: Hello, would you like to buy (product name here)?

Me: No, but would you like to buy (insert fake product here, and go on some crazy pitch for it). All this can be yours for only eight easy payments of 19.95. Plus seperate shipping and handling.

Telemarketer: Hello would you like to buy this product....
Me: Sure I'll buy it.
Telemarketer: Great gi-
Me: Before I tell you anything I jut need to know is this product is capable of killing a person?
Telemarketer: Yes, I guess.
Me: I'll take 20!
Telemarketer: Uhh, why do you need to know this type of information on our product.
Me: Check the news in around a month or two. You'll understand why!

Even better, Deathopper, would be if you used a fake, redneck accent the entire time. Sometime towards the end, yell off phone:

'Momma! This lady is gonna git me on them evening news programs!'

This is even better
-from Seinfeld

Seinfeld: Hello

Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance Service?

Seinfeld: Oh, Gee, I-I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?

Telemarketer: Umm, I'm sorry, we aren't allowed to do that.

Seinfeld: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home?

Telemarketer: No...

Seinfeld: Well, now you know how I feel.

Click.

Where would we be without answering machines?

I try to sell them something. I almost got a guy to by a toaster, a coffee brewer and, a can opener.
Start speaking in Spanish, it confuses them. As soon as they start talking I just start shouting in Spanish.
Play elevator music into the phone, if there still there in 5 min I pick up the phone. I tell them I am a secretary for some famous person (who isn't there right now, duh)and ask if I can take a message.
My friends and I always have a lot of fun.

I usually don't answer the phone, because I never feel like it. ;D

But I think I'd say something like:

Telemarketer: Hello, would you like to buy -

Me: Say, aren't you the guy who sold me that (insert inappropriate product here)?

Telemarketer: Um... no...

Me: Yeah, you are! Say, would you like to know what I use it for?

Telemarketer: *is creeped out and hangs up*

I would say "Hello want some pie sir"

While the telemarketer is talking, breath heavily and occasionally mutter "brains". When he asks you if you want to buy, start screaming and moaning.