Forums → The Tavern → Best jokes/puns

Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle?
-Because noone can draw a perfect circle.

You know why Michael J. Fox makes the best milk shakes?
-Because he uses only the finest of ingredients.

You know why Little Johnny didn't ride his bike to school?
-Why?
Because both his legs were amputated; he'll never ride his bike again.

Knock-knock.
-Whose there?
Police; you're coming with us.

Knock-knock.
-Whose there?
Dave.
-Dave who?
Dave walked away in tears when he realized his grandmother's Altzeimers had progressed to the point where she no longer knew who he was.

Whats brown and sticky?
-What?
A stick.

Whats green and has wheels?
-What?
Grass; I lied about the wheels.

So a man walks into a bar. He says to all his friends:

'I just got back for the Center for Domestically Abused Women, and boy are my arms tired!'

The mans friends laughed at him, but he knew that those women will forever benefit from the shelves he nailed to the walls.

You know whats sad about four black men driving a cadillac off a cliff?
-What?
Those guys were my friends.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Why do most married men die before their wives?
-Why?
Because they want to.

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.

Mav, I think only the Dave one and the man at the Center was funny.

Here's a couple more:

Some engineering students are sitting around a table trying to decide what kind of engineer God is most like. the first one says: "God is a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints in the human body." The next one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. Look at all the nerve endings and circuits." The last one says, "I don't know about those, but God isn't a civil engineer. He ran a toxic waste disposal pipe through a recreational area."

Some college professors are sitting around a table, when one of them has a vision. He sees an angel, who offers him a choice between wisdom, strength, or a million dollars. Obviously, he chooses wisdom. His friends, seeing that he is enlightened somehow, ask him how he feels. He looks up and says: "I should have taken the money."

This is one of my favorites

Harley Davidson
Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, &quotrofessional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

That's hilarious. here's some more jokes (a couple were told to me by my philosophy major brother, so you might notice a theme):

An optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds.
A pessimist fears that this is so.

An optimist says the glass is half full. a pessimist says the glass is half empty. a rationalist says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A woman went to her doctor complaining of pain in her stomach. The doctor had her examined, and found that she had a very lethal illness.
When he told her she had six months to live, she asked, "is there anything I can do about it?" he said, " yes, marry a tax accountant. it will make the next six months seem like an eternity."

That joke raises the question: how can something finite, like six months, be compared to something infinite, like eternity? the people who ask that question have obviously never lived with a tax accountant.

What's worse than six babies stapled to a tree?
-One baby stapled to six trees.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
-Finding half a worm in your apple.

What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
-The Holocaust.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse responds quietly, "My wife just died."

There's a mirror that if you speak in front of it and lie, you explode. A beautiful girl walks up to it, says, "I think I'm ugly," and she explodes. An intelligent girl walks up, says, "I think I'm dumb," and she explodes. A blonde walks up, says, "I think-" and she explodes.

There's an Indian reserve that allows people to walk on the grounds. Each person is allowed to bring one thing, and it must be cleared for having a good reason. A brunette brings some food, in case she's hungry. The chief clears her. A redhead brings water, in case she's thirsty. The chief clears her. A blonde brings her detached car door, and the chief can't help but ask why. "So in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

A man is driving home from work one day. He pulls up to the same stop sign he always passes, with only one car in front of him. The car is at a standstill, and there's lots of cross-traffic, so he assumes a nervous driver. Ten minutes later, there's no movement, and a line of impatient drivers has formed behind him. He gets out of the car to check that everyone in the front car is alive. All he finds is a blonde woman in the front seat. He asks her why she hasn't moved yet: "I'm just waiting for it to turn green."

(Okay so all I know is dark anti-joke humor and blonde jokes. Sue me.)

Mav, I think only the Dave one and the man at the Center was funny.

those jokes were terrible! (they were still hilarious though)

I have one really good and slightly offensive joke also.

A plane is flying over the ocean, and the captain comes on the speakers and says that the plane is going to crash and that there is nothing he can do. the passengers are visibly nervous, and one woman loses it. She stands up in front of everyone and says: "I'm too young to die! But if I am going to die, is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman before it happens?" everyone on the plane has forgotten their own peril, dumbfounded by the woman's request. Finally, a tall, tanned hunk of a man with, thick, wavy black hair stands up in the back of the plane and starts walking towards her. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says as he takes off his shirt. The woman starts getting excited. He stops in front of her, hands her his shirt, and says, "iron this."

blatant sexism ftw (females, please do not be offended, it is a joke)

What did the fish say when it hit a brick wall?
-Dam.

Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

A man walks outside during a storm, and says, "What the hail?"

"Shag, Scoob, Velma, you guys check the basement. Daphne and I will go upstairs and check the bedrooms."

Fred, you are magnificent.

that's not a joke. it's an injustice. naw, i kid.

knock, knock.

who's there?

Why should I tell you?

There is a priest in a flood and water is up to his knees a boat comes by and the people say "Father you must get on the boat or you will drown." he said "No I trust in god that he will save me." About 30 mins later another boat comes by and the men say " please get on the boat or your gonna die." he still said no. Then 1hr later the water is up to his waist and a new boat comes by and the priest still declines the offer. Then in heaven the priest ask "god why did you let me drown" and god responded with "Let you drown? Man I sent you 3 dang boats."

1 more joke:

How do you make a baby shake?
Idk.
Put it in a blender.

I'm sorry for that last joke.

A Navy Admiral and a Marine Colonel are on a Naval Vessel talking and the Admiral falls overboard and begins drowning. The Colonel jumps into the water and saves him.
Admiral: "Thanks for saving me, Colonel. Just please don't tell my men I can't swim."
Colonel: "I won't if you don't tell my men I can't walk on water."

This one is sort of racist toward Mexicans, so sorry if I offend anyone.

What is a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross Country