I love lame jokes, but who doesn't love a GOOD joke once in a while? Here's a few to start you off:
A woman goes to report her husband's disappearance to police, and she describes him as being 6 feet tall, well built, and with thick, wavy hair. Her friend comes over and says "what are you talking about? Your husband is 5 feet tall, bald, and has a huge belly." she replies "Yeah, but who wants that one back?"
don't worry, this next one is not offensive to blondes.
A blonde woman walks into a casino and bets $30,000 on a single dice roll. She asks the two dealers, "is it alright if I take my clothes off? I feel luckier when I do." they don't see a problem with that, so she takes her clothes off and rolls they dice. Immediately, she jumps up and down, screaming, "I WON, I WON!" she hugs the dealers, picks up her clothes and her money, and leaves. The dealers are stunned. finally, one turns to the other and says, "did she win?" the other answers, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."
the moral of the story is, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
One more for all you philosophers out there:
sage advice based off of the Monte Carlo Fallacy: If you are going on a plane, for safety's sake, take a bomb with you...because the overwhelming odds are that there will not be two people on the same plane with a bomb.
4 rabbis are arguing about the meaning of a piece of writing, and as usual it is 3 against 1 in the argument. the lone rabbi calls out to God: "Lord, I know in my heart that I am right! send a sign to show the others that what I say is true!" at that moment, thunder struck the ground not 100 meters from where they stood. the 3 rabbis were unconvinced, so he called out again: "Lord send a bigger sign!" at that moment, a tornado went past the place where they stood, leaving a sign for a law firm that claimed "we are never wrong". they were still unconvinced. The lone rabbi cried out once more: "God, please send a sign big enough to convince them!" right then, a booming voice came down from the heavens and said: "HE IS RIGHT!" the other rabbis just shrugged. "so what? now it's 3 against 2."
Two aliens were at thier favorite bar, the Sounding Star. They were telling jokes for a half hour. One looked over and saw that his buddy wasn't laughing. He asked him "Why so Sirius?"
heres a 2 joke: A donut wanted to celebrate its b-day so it went on a cruise. He asked the captain if he can drive it because it was his dream. the captain said" no! and get out!" so he did. later he asked again if he can drive it. the captain said" uhhhh if u dont stop asking ill throw u overboard!" the donut walked away. the third day he said to the captain" please can i drive!" the captain said" thats it! im throwing you out!" and he did!
WAIT...........
A bf was proposing to the gf and the gf was so happy when put on the ring that she flung the ring into the sea underneath. The bf agreed to get a new one. 1 week later over dinner at a seafood restaraunt the bf cut open his fish and guess what he found!?
A few days ago, a hitman confessed that he was once hired to kill an Asian man in his rice field with nothing but some small porcelain figurines. Police say this is the first confirmed report of a "Knick-knack paddy whack."
2 cows are standing in a field, and one cow says to the other, "even though pi is usually abbreviated to 5 digits, it actually goes on forever." the other cow looks up and says: "moo."
another cow joke:
two cows are chilling in a field, and one cow asks the other, "what to you think about this mad cow disease?" the other cow looks at him and says: "what do I care? I'm a helicopter."
Once upon a time, there was a lizzard, a snake and a tree that began an epic quest for an applepie. On the first day the lizzard walked, the snake crawled and the tree stand. On the second day the snake was overrun by a car and the tree stand. On the third day aliens invaded earth and stealed all applepies so the lizzard killed himself and the tree stand.
