Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Amulet, a fiction story.
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Hello, Armor Games! I have now started to write an entire series, based on a game me and my brother made up a long time ago. There will be 4 parts in the first story -Amulet- and the first will be telling you about the world. The next 4 parts will be broken into chapters, but that is of unimportance. Part 1 (not I, donât get them confused.) is from the perspective of Destor, a half-human who embarks on a journey of revenge. Part 2 is about Destor's son, Destor II. (for the sake of simplicity, he will be referred to as Destor II always) The 2nd part of the story is from Destor II's perspective, about his growing up and then embarking on a long search. Part 3 is from Destor II's daughterâs perspective- about how she rises from a street urchin to a awesomely powerful bounty hunter. (Any resemblance in part 3 to the Metroid series and Samus Aran is entirely coincidental, I just had an awesome idea once.)All of the parts have the same basic story, the main part of which starts near the end of part 1 and ends in the middle of part 3, and in the end it all wraps up. So I present to you- part I, the introduction.
Part i: Basis.
"Ah, how much you do not notice, when you have to focus on one thing."-Matt.
Destor- "a million years pass, but time never changes."
"At the start, we lived on Earth. We never knew. Never cared. How much of that would change, and so soon."- United Galaxies Prez.
Earth, 2000 years from now. A lot has changed, and most of it was better. The main changes: Earth is now the hub of interplanetary commune and trade, for the entire galaxy. The whole world and galaxy is united under one powerful leader, though some might say two. The other sentient race has been found- the Steeli. The Steeli are a race of beings that come in many forms, but the most basic representation of them is like this:
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They have large hollow bodies that humans can fit inside`and use for travel, if the Steelix is willing. They live billions of years, and have incredible knowledge and strength. 1700 years ago, they came to Earth; however the Humans acted on limited information and attacked them. After a 20 year war, the humans stopped all hostility, after realizing that the Steeli were only a threat if they made them be. The 1700 years that followed were ones of peace and learning, and expansion to a million worlds, everywhere across the galaxy. The main importance of the Steeli in this story is that they can take human forms for a few years at a time, and thus that can lead to one thing only-hybrids. The main character of part 1 is one half-Steelix, the main character of part 2 is one quarter-Steelix, and the main character of part 3 is one 8th-Steelix. The only other importance they have in this story is that the main character of part 1 has a Steelix companion, his half-brother.
The biggest change is the other leader of the universe. It is one corporation that rules all of the others, except for one. (That is Geico, but they are really owned by Atech, just used to make an artificial insurance market.) Atech, the corporation, is not evil; they just produce things extremely well and fast. They do not directly sell anything other than technology themselves, to create more jobs. The Atech center is located on Terra, a beautiful world that is called by some the second capital, and it is an extreme tourist location. The leader of Atech-sometimes called the second leader-is known as Matt, a genius in every way and he also is rumored to contain Steelix blood, but that is not confirmed. Matt and the main character of part one are childhood friends, and both of them would do almost anything to save the other one from something.
That is enough for now, the story will continue later with part 1.
How did you like the backstory? I tried my best on it, but it is hard explaining something to an outsider when it has been going on for 5 years. I actually only included the relevant information, but you do not need to know anything else, and if I think you do later you will learn it then.
- 73 Replies
Ugh. No word from the artist, who has his comments closed, and I have a headache. No story tonight, unfortunately. Instead, take this time to read all of the parts you haven't, and discuss the story.
If this post seems useless, it is just because I promise a new chapter every night, but I do have a really bad headache. Think of this as me using my sick day.
I read it! It was fairly good, and I say that honestly. I don't post on most story threads because of the pesky "Be respectful of other's writing" rule.
My advice: Try to mix the narration and duologue a little more. I will just say right now that this: "..." is not the way to portray akward silence.
The Steeli also appear to better than humans in every way, which is annoying to me. It's a matter of personal taste, but you may want to watch out for that.
@ Xzeno
The Steeli are better than most humans, actually. They are just very very few, and most of them are missing. After the war, which only a couple 100 survived, plenty of them went into hiding. And by "better" I meant better right now. If humans had been around as long as the Steeli, they would be far better. Humans just need to fulfill their potential, and then they will rule the multiverse.
How would you portray awkward silence then?
Well I have no love for humans, I just tend to strive for equilibrium. As I said, a matter of personal taste. You appear to be doing fine so far.
Let me ask you a question to answer a question: Are you honestly asking for advice, or are you being snappish and defensive?
I am honestly asking for advice. I am rather new at writing, I never payed attention during a lot of my English classes, and I made this whole universe and its inhabitants up when I was 9. I was worried that this might happen, but I didn't prepare right.
I guess that the bold was used wrong, I didn't mean to feel angry. And I wasn't making that up for you....... They do start really owning later, with average people being smarter than scientist today.
I never payed attention during a lot of my English classesThey weren't as helpful as many believe, and you seem more then competent in the realm of grammar.
On to advice, try to use narrative to cover things like akward silence. Mixing narrative and duologue is a very important skill that took me a while to pick up on, so I don't expect you to have it perfect your first try.
How I would do it:
"I like to wear lady's underwear!" CharacterA remarked.
After a brief silence, CharacterB said: "What ever floats your boat."
This of course has no context, so it doesn't have much of an effect.
Additionally, I have taken to using (translated) Latin phrases:
"I like to wear lady's underwear!" CharacterA remarked.
At length CharacterB said: "What ever floats your boat."
But really, finding your own style is probably the best route, just keep this in mind.
Yeah, I thought the bold was angry. Good to know otherwise. And one thing I wouldn't want you to do is alter your world or characters significantly on my advice.
I guess that the bold was used wrong, I didn't mean to feel angry. And I wasn't making that up for you....... They do start really owning later, with average people being smarter than scientist today.
And one thing I wouldn't want you to do is alter your world or characters significantly on my advice.
That would be bad. Would you like a cameo for offering some constructive criticism? Or just a bit part? I find myself acting as if this is a movie a lot, would you say that is a bad thing?
And the Latin is a good idea, mind linking to the translator? You can do it on my profile. I don't really know any that are good.
A cameo? Perhaps. As for treating it as a movie, that is fine and common, especially in new writers. Just make sure that you don't do it to the point you end up not being able to express yourself without the visual aid of a movie. Treating it like a movie can be beneficial as it teaches you how and when to use imagery.
I take a Latin class, and I just picked up a few phrases. I don't have a translator. If you want to use/learn the Latin phrases in the ancient manor, you may want to read The Odyssey or The Iliad. They are fairly readable, especially if you skip the first few chapters. But the Latin thing is just something I do out of habit.
Well, time for the next chapter. I took a week off, I had a cold. And a headache for most of the week. And I forgot half the story.
No more excuses, I am going to write write write. Hopefuly 2 chapters today. Or maybe just one really long one.
Oh, for all of you who think that the Steeli are overpowered, this chapter shows how weak they are.
And I worked around the need for a picture! It makes more sense this way actually.
Chapter 5 time!
Destor walked down towards the temple.
"I can sense him... He's at the temple definitely." He muttered to himself.
Destor walked around a cliff, and stopped. Below him were the ruins of a great city, larger than some small planets. Most of it was destroyed or in ruins, with moss and lichen creeping across the walls and long, spidery cracks running down the sides. One building was completely intact, the Steeli had defended it to the last. The holy temple of Garen. Some magic had defended it from the human's siege, and some other magic kept it clean of any signs of age. Destor remembered visiting the temple once, before he was moved to Terra because of his mother's[She is the Steelix of his parents, if you are wondering. Most part Steeli are a mother-Steeli, father-human pair.] fear for his life.
Destor was staring still at the ruins, when he heard a gun fire a burst of rounds. He jumped onto the cliff, dodging the bullets, and saw his fears were true. A Silver Order assassin was standing there, looking at him through the mask. In his rage, he forgot about his spear and charged at the assassin, prepared to kill with his hands. He rushed forward, when the operative disappeared.
"Ugh, Matt's teleport leaked. The temple! Styen is there, and they have got radioactive bullets!"
Destor charged like a flash towards the temple, he had to save his (half)brother.
Once he got to the temple, the doors opened for him. Walking inside, he saw 20 soilders with guns pointed at a single figure standing in the middle. The operative[A.K.A. the assassin, sorry for the word switch] was in the middle of the ring the soldiers had formed, his hand was on the trigger and he was ready to fire. The figure in the middle spoke now, but before it did Destor thought he saw a wink.
"Leave this place, or the wrath of Garen will come upon you. And He has no mercy for intruders."
"You are coming with us, or we will have no mercy." The operative snickered as he said this, he had no care for ancient gods.
"Be prepared for the holy wrath of Garen in that case. You have sealed your fate, and I deem you a fool." Styen was doing it good, putting on the ancient protector voice and with all his talk of smiting. Destor got ready, because Styen was about to say the last line.
"Amo Syanis Duo, Erra terks yahl Garen arsuno!"
Destor was ready, and soon as Styen uttered the holy words of Garen, he leaped. The temple around him began to burn with a white light, and the soldiers in their panic attacked. The exit was sealed off, and this was a fight to the death.
The soldiers spun around as they heard Destor's war cry, and fired at him. He could feel his soul burning because of the radioactivity, but he kept on. Landing next to the first soldier, he shoved his spear through him and out before he realized he had landed. Turning towards the next, he was aware that he had been shot more, but thanks to the temple he could not feel anything anymore except for rage. He had killed 3 more solders by the time the operative paid attention to him, and was charging towards the next one. Just before the operative could fire the fatal shot, Styen ran up behind him and puched him. His hand went straight through the operative, who slumped to the ground. Turning around, Styen saw that Destor was done with all of the soldiers.
Destor dropped to the ground, suddenly feeling the pain.
"I can't take it... No... Such pain... And that wasn't the one... I have not delivered proper justice yet. I can not die!" Destor stood up, and lurched towards the altar.
"Destor! You came! I felt your sorrow.. what has happened." Destor glanced over towards Styen, and got a shock. Instead of a Steelix, Styen was a human, with pale green eyes and brown hair. Hair! Actually, it looked good.
"The pain eases... But Styen, what about you? You were shot as well, and you are...... Human!?"
"Ah, yes. That is this." Styen lifted from under his shirt an amulet[Yes, that is the amulet from the title], a beautiful silver chain with an emerald set in the middle. " An artifact of Garen, I found it at the shrine. It called to me, and when I took it I was changed to this form, something only elder Steeli can do. I can not return to a Steelix while I wear it, and it will not leave me until I die, or it finds a better owner."
"I am amazed... I did not know any unhidden artifacts remained."
"Well, This one was waiting for the one it wanted to wear it, and would not be moved. It is what has protected the temple for so long, and once we leave this place will crumble. But Destor, why have you come? You are filled with anger, hate, and rage. I don't think you are here just to see you dear old brother are you?"
"No. The silver order killed Mary, Destor[II] is missing, and I have to find them. Kill them. They cannot be allowed to continue!"
"Then I will join you, but I will have to take the amulet. I hope you have a ship, and didn't crash it." Styen smirked, he knew how much Destor hated vessels that aren't Steeli.
"Yes, I have one. Come."
"Do you know where they are?"
"I know one of their abandoned bases positions, and we can trace the energy signatures from there."
"Alright, let us depart."
Destor and Styen walked up towards the ship, and as Destor readied it for takeoff Styen looked towards the city, bowed, and uttered a last farewell.
"Ay en rahahs Erra terks, Garen rahanoest delene fazaren!"
Chapter 5 is over, at last. I wrote it in notepad, so it will have some spelling errors.
And yeah, I cheated. But it does make more sense for Styen to be in human form, he can actually help now.
Finally, done! How'd ya like it?
Yeah Destor I read it. A lot to read though.
Pretty interesting (which means nothing anymore) and enjoying to read. Good job!
Chapter 6 on!
Destor inputted the coordiantes on the screen, hoping the base was still there. He reflected on the nature of the silver order, who the were and what the wanted. They were a clan born out of hate, and filled with it. The higher members of the clan were all part Steeli, born during the war and abdoned, neither side wanting to take them in. Desite the peace between the species, they still tried for their ultimate goal: a universe ruled by part-Steeli, free of all other races. They fooled some humans into joining them, like the ones they just fought, but the Steeli saw through their lies. Destor was formerly a part of the order, but left after learning the truth. He did not know why they would, after 50 years[remember he is over 5 centuries old], come back for revenge. He had recognized the energy signature for certain though, the agent was the very one who had taken him in. He was headed towards the base he was on, it was abandoned now but he could use the equipment there to find them.
"Destor, I know you are blinded by rage right now. You want to kill, and you want to destroy. But you must listen to me." It didn't take a Steelix to notice that Destor was barely containing his anger, but Styen knew how to calm him."Destor, you have to stop and think. Why would the Silver Order want revenge now? They knew where you were always, but they let you go. Obviously something is not right. This could be a trap, or a lure."
"I can handle traps and lures. What I can't stand is letting any of them get away with this. I will destroy them, leaving them to be nothing but an old memory. Styen, if I want your wisdom I will ask for it. The reason I came to get you is because you aren't safe. I don't want your help."
"Destor, if you don't take my help you will want it. I won't leave you to go off and die."
"Fine, come with me. But in the name of Garen, let me have my revenge."
"As long as you can hold in your rage I will follow you. When you unleash it, I will not be there."
"Good, now go to sleep, it's a long way in this old, slow piece of metal."
Two days of rations and recycled air later, Destor finally docked the ship on the station, and opened the hatch. His first obstacle were the blast doors in the hangar, no amount of pushing would open them.
"Here, let me try." Styen walked forward, focused his mind, and blew open the doors.
"Incredible! How can you be that strong!"
Styen pointed at the base of his neck, and then walked through the opening. Destor hurried behind, still in awe at the power of the amulet. After a few explosions, blasts, pops and pushes they got to the central computer, still looking shiny because it was made of mythril. The power was out however, so Destor went back to the ship to borrow its engine. Once he had it hooked up to the old machine, he set it to "on" and got the computer running. Flipping through the files, he knew it would take forever to find the list of other bases, narrow it down, and then find which one the particular agent stationed to. He told Styen to get some rations from the ship, and kept scrolling through the files.
Styen was back now, running down the hall with no food."Destor! We got company, I think they followed us!"
"Ugh, how many?"
"About 50, but no agents. Just normal humans with radioactive bullets. I should note that the amulets powers are reduced now, and if either of us get shot more than about twice, it's over."
"Well, I just found the list, and we can narrow it on the ship. Do you think we can force our way through those guys?
"No. We would have to get them in the hall, or else we would be stuck in here for a looong while."
"Dang, I don't think stealth will work against 50 guys with guns that fire radioactive bullets. They'd notice us for sure."
Styen pondered for a moment, and then turned to Destor again with a strange look on his face."Say, Destor, unplug that engine why don't you? It's just wasting power."
Destor obligingly walked over to the engine, and pulled the cord. Before he could turn it off, though, Styen walked over and grabbed Destor's neck. With a surprisingly powerful grip, Styen forced Destor's head down into the engine.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Destor shouted. He might have endured the pain if he was ready for it, but Styen turning on him was completely unexpected.
"Wh...Why a... Are you doing... This? AGGHH!"
"Feel the current, Destor. control it! Let it flow through your veins, let it give you power!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Destor felt himself dying slowly, his body giving in to the current of the electricity. He tried to find meaning in Styen's words... How could he control this?
"Let it out.... Give it a place to exit." He thought. "Harness the power, and unleash it as a weapon."
Knowing what he had to do, Destor tried to focus. Styen's hand was off him now, and he slowly rose. He could still feel the current in him, and knew it would never leave now. Turning towards the door, a grim look was in his eyes.
"Bring them on."
Chapter 6 is done!
Gah, I'm finished.
An explanation: The electricity merely awoke Destor's powers, he only didn't have them before because he didn't know they were there. You'll see what these powers are, next chapter. Which might come today, if you are lucky.
How much did you actually read? The first segment is boring, but part 2 is, well, not as boring.
Thanks for reading though!
I only read the first page when I posted the one before, but now Destor has awaken some awesome powers it is only getting better and better.
Destor II - Destor Jr.
Dunno if it looks better but it definitely sounds better ^_^
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