ForumsArt, Music, and WritingTackeh's 10,000 Etchings

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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

I decided I'd try and post some of my poems on here, since I liked the first line poem thread so much. I would really like some advice on how to improve. Thanks!

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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

This is from the Nonet contest, for while I'm thinking of an actual topic for my poem. :P

Addiction

The spell has me in its horrid grasp
I fight against the straining rope
That ties to all I regret
That ties to my mistakes
I can not forget
It consumes me
Addiction.
Destroys.
All.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Tacky, as for your Raven idea, I'll make my poem in extended metaphor, and maybe you could do the same for yours?

I think that would be pretty sick!

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

That would be cool.
I still don't even know what the topic of my poem will be, so don't get too excited.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Watch out, they cry,
As a car tumbles from a rail,
But it is to no avail, and
Churning, charred metal
Smashes into Earth,
Smashes into Earth,
Crashes,
Chaotic and corroded,
Twisted iron,
And from, the ruined rubble,
It is silent.
And the silence chokes,
Though the sifting smoke
Drifting from the ruined,
Silent as a grave.

My first attempt at some alliteration, some repetition, some rhyming (sorta).
Tell me what you think! XD

wil4813
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wil4813
256 posts
Nomad

Nice poems Tacky, wish I could write that well.

LazyOne
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LazyOne
166 posts
Nomad

Watch out, they cry,
As a car tumbles from a rail,
But it is to no avail, and
Churning, charred metal
Smashes into Earth,
Smashes into Earth,
Crashes,
Chaotic and corroded,
Twisted iron,
And from, the ruined rubble,
It is silent.
And the silence chokes,
Though the sifting smoke
Drifting from the ruined,
Silent as a grave.


That sounds like a Metallica song to me
[Death Magnetic, probably.]
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Metallica? Interesting.

Fast

Fasting for weeks,
From what I want the most,
I feel just like an empty shell,
A spirit, or a ghost.

But my spirit's gone as well,
And I can't wait anymore,
I feel hungrier than I've ever been,
I'm on the lowest floor.

I'm not fasting from a meal,
Then I'd know what to do,
I'm fasting from what I want the most,
And what I want is you.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Another different kind of poem, sorta. I think it's called a Quadraine. Experimenting FTW! XD

Window

She looks out from her dark room within;
The blotched shadows of the leaves kiss patterns on her skin,
The light from the sun is reflected in her eyes,
She lifts them with heavy lashes and glances at the skies.

She's motionless as she sits, mysterious and alone,
Why is she waiting there, for what crime must she atone?
Sitting like white marble; is she deep into thought?
Is she bargaining for all that she has sought?

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Acid

Does the acid hurt at all,
As it falls from your lips?
Does it tear a grudge filled gap,
Through your cruel tongue's tip?
Or am I the only one,
Who feels it delving deep?
Burning in my tortured self,
Even as we speak?
There is more venom than words,
In all your falsity,
Your poison tears away at me,
Until I'm to small to see.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Bravery

Venturing into the cave,
Of the mighty dragon's lair,
Our hero holds his breath,
He goes where no one dared.

He walks in carefully,
But also brave as brave can be,
He lives to live by his own terms,
Lives by his own decree.

Be a hero, don't be scared,
Charge into the dragon's nest,
Have hope and strength within your heart,
And live to your very best.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Ooh, Tacky I really like 'Bravery'. The one line in the last stanza kind does bulge out, but other than that, great form.

I also like how it is short and too the point, great job!

I'm too lazy to look up a Quadraine so I can't say much for Window, except that I like the mysterious/eerie feeling it gives to the reader.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
644 posts
Nomad

Watch out, they cry,
As a car tumbles from a rail,
But it is to no avail, and
Churning, charred metal
Smashes into Earth,
Smashes into Earth,
Crashes,
Chaotic and corroded,
Twisted iron,
And from, the ruined rubble,
It is silent.
And the silence chokes,
Though the sifting smoke
Drifting from the ruined,
Silent as a grave.

Pretty good job Tacky! I liked it very much; especially the detail. Very good indeed.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

Pretty good job Tacky! I liked it very much; especially the detail. Very good indeed.


Thanks! Sorry for pestering you about it; it's just that not many people commented on it since it was on the previous page...
Efan
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Efan
3,086 posts
Nomad

Watch out, they cry,
as the car tumbles from a rail,
but it is to no avail.
Churning, charred metal
smashes into Earth,
smashes into Earth,
crashes.
Chaotic and corroded,
twisted iron,
All is silent from the ruins.
And the silence chokes,
though the sifting smoke
*
drifting from the ruins,
silent as a grave.
----------------------------------
Those were my changes. I enjoyed the poem quite a bit. It had good expression and was descriptive enough to give a clear picture.

*this part doesn't make much sense :/
-----------------------------------------------------
Good luck in the rest of your thread!

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,936 posts
Peasant

While I do like that, as it makes it flow better, I was just trying to have alliterations with "ruined" and "rubble". I wonder if I could incorporate that into your modified version...

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