Forums → The Tavern → General Relationship Thread
| 2106 | 484707 |
I've noticed the increase in threads being made about problems with relationships and dating. Now, I have no problem with the subject matter. No, my problem is with the amount of threads people are creating about it.
Judging by all these threads being made about the same thing, it's safe to say it's inevitable for these questions to be asked; and since the answers to these relationship/dating questions are generally very similar, putting all the questions in one thread saves time and posting.
No, this is not a thread where you specifically ask me for advice; I don't know very much about this subject. I'm simply the guy who has created the thread so you can post your questions for anybody to answer.
So if you have a question about dating or relationships, or anything along those lines, ask it here, wait for someone to reply here, and don't make a new thread about it!
- 2,106 Replies
....I mean....it's an 18 year old asking out a 14 year old.
No. That just isn't right.
A Senior asking out a Freshmen?
I don't recommend this.
I'm kinda with Sal on this..as painful as it is for me to say this (curse you, attractive Freshmen).
First off..you have your peers to think about. Usually relationships of this caliber are not viewed with a very positive note..at least on the Senior's end..for stooping to Freshman level
Also..keep in mind, you are about to head off to college while the Freshman still has all of High School to go through. That is quite an interesting, albeit very risky, relationship setting.
Senior boy asking out a Frosh girl?
Sometimes
With this..it more so depends on the girl than the guy..but with the guy usually the group he is in comes into play.
Some groups would be more accepting of a girl who was more..how do I put this..trashy, ratchet, "swaggy", etc
Other groups would be more accepting if the Freshman was on a more mature level than her fellow Freshmen
Still..you still have that whole "She's a freshman" thing going on
Senior girl asking out a Frosh boy?
I don't recommend this.
Well..if you are the guy..you will definitely get an enormous amount of respect from your other Freshmen buddies. Though, keep in mind, the Senior and her friends will probably look down at you
....I mean....it's an 18 year old asking out a 14 year old.
No. That just isn't right.
FUN THING TO THINK ABOUT! =D
If you are a senior dating a freshman..when you were a freshman..she/he was in 6th grade
An 18 year old (mostly males) could get into a lot of freaking trouble if he is ever caught doing anything besides smiling at a 14 year old. Best to just avoid that temptation.
FUN THING TO THINK ABOUT! =D
If you are a senior dating a freshman..when you were a freshman..she/he was in 6th grade
Just to think about... But once it gets real. WOO-WEE xD
(mostly males)
It's always us...
An 18 year old (mostly males) could get into a lot of freaking trouble if he is ever caught doing anything besides smiling at a 14 year old.
Aww yea. Gonna smile at 'em all day long *wink wink*
It's always us...
Let's be honest..if you are a freshman guy and just got out of a relationship with a girl that is a Senior..you are probably going to brag about it to your friends rather than play the victim card
I don't have any clue about what this Senior and Freshmen is... I assume it's high school and the equivalent of year 12 and 9 respectively.
Or in ages, 18 on 14? Legally in Australia that's straddling age of consent. When this happens, legally, you can have up to a difference of 4 years in age before any sexual activity is automatically declared statutory rape, and further assessment is at the discretion of jurisprudence, CPO etc. Statistically and anecdotally speaking, I've seen 19 and 14 happen a bit and it's almost invariably predatory or abusive, so it's not surprising that this is viewed in a pretty dim light. You'd probably get a few ephebophile insults hurled your way.
My personal take? You're all young and stupid and prone to making errors and horrendously bad judgement calls :P To racially profile, "white society" tends to encourage learning through error making (or does it?), "Asian society" (I'm allowed to say this because I'm Asian) tends to be liability averse.
Younger people are more impressionable, so are slightly-less-young people but if they're above age of consent they have a legal obligation and are expected to be aware of that, so if things go bad it's generally on the older party regardless of whether it's fair or not.
There are extreme counter-examples (there was a case where a really screwed up 11 yo was identified as the sexual aggressor of her 40-something year old carer who was justifiably terrified of her continual, explicit sexual advances seeing as they landed him in court accused of being a sexual predator), but these are obviously rare.
p.s. if both people are above the age of consent, then anything goes. I know colleagues who exclusively date cougars because a) neither of them are looking to settle down yet b) cougars are generally so loaded it's not funny c) there's less bull****, or so I hear. If a young guy can bear being teased about going out with a lady twice her age and essentially being an accessory/boy toy, well, why the hell not?
sorry for triple post I keep forgetting to write the point of what I really wanted to write:
Yes there is a bit of a gender double-standard here, again statistics may have something to do with it. It's simply less statistically likely that a heterosexual couple of significantly differing ages has an older, dominant female. It happens, though (my father was seven years my mother's junior, but it's quite different because they had already moved out and had been independent for several years before they even met each other).
But that gender double standard isn't necessarily so stark as one may think: sure, people really worry for an 18 year old girl who goes out with a 42 year old guy (again I know an example of this), but are more prone to merely ridicule the 18 yo guy who goes out with, say, Madonna, seeing as guys are generally seen as being the aggressor... because that's where the stats are most skewed. The older you get, however, the less this matters, though my 66 year old family friend celebrity musician marrying a 30 year old music scholar did raise a few eyebrows. (Says the guy who is used to going out with people 4+ years his senior then ends up with a girl his age).
Man, I wish I could meet a sexually aggressive older wo- haha I'm just kidding. Or am I?
People, by which I mean CT and to a lesser extent Strop, do like to make that assumption though.
Anyway, to answer Strop's previous, likely rhetorical question leveled at me, it probably makes you a bad person.
Anyway, senior male or female makes no difference. A senior dating a freshman is messed up. 18 to 14 is not just 4 years. It's a huge difference. Keep it in your pants.
It's a huge difference.
How so? It's only social pressures that make it awkward. Back in Shakespearean times, girls were often expected to be married by their mid-teens or sooner.
Back in Shakespearean times,
That's the key word in that phrase.
Although I may not fully agree with Xzeno, as my mind is joyfully more twisted than his, I get what he is saying. The younger side of that relationship is not as developed as the older side mentally, emotionally, etc. There is an understanding of certain actions that may be taken place within a relationship, but surely not as much as with the older side's
Of course, but the point was social structures and norms are fluid, especially when it comes to dating and the like. What's acceptable now might be considered horrible and tragic in the future, and what's not acceptable now might become commonplace. To say it's "messed up" ignores that fluidity. And to assume that it's purely being predatory is asinine.
Of course, but the point was social structures and norms are fluid, especially when it comes to dating and the like. What's acceptable now might be considered horrible and tragic in the future, and what's not acceptable now might become commonplace. To say it's "messed up" ignores that fluidity. And to assume that it's purely being predatory is asinine.
That's not even answering his point, but meandering around it with an irrelevant reasoning. We live in the present, and as such, whatever Xzeno says will hold water as his standards match our modern standards. Even if what we accepted as suitable and tolerable relationship ages was different and will be different, since such a point adds nothing nor does it even act as a good counter. It doesn't ignore ''that fluidity'', simply because his statement is geared towards the modern opinion and as such, is true.
It's all well and good to speak of fluidity but one must appreciate the extent and the nature of that fluidity, because both are limited. Saying "messed up" doesn't ignore the fluidity, it just makes a statement that is relevant to the situation now. There would have been a time when it was not, but that time is not now. You're welcome to make arguments about why it ought not to be the case, but that would require delving back into insightful statements and not quibbling over semantics.
Anyway, to answer Strop's previous, likely rhetorical question leveled at me, it probably makes you a bad person.
Allow me to play Devil's advocate by posing a counter-example (Nicho may have some comment on this): I have a socially conservative, very traditional Christian Singaporean colleague who specifically wanted to go out (and marry) a girl whose primary quality was innocence and vulnerability, specifically so he could be, essentially, her knight in shining armour. He was very earnest about this, too, as he firmly believed that he had a duty to "be the man" just as the woman had a duty to "be the damsel in distress" (now I'm being facetious).
Naturally my female friends did not understand this and thought it was pretty darn creepy. I, myself, have very different tastes and like girls who are independent and capable. But I did not think him a bad person for feeling the way he did.
As for the topic of cougars... interestingly my medical registrar counterpart asked me what I thought the actual definition was, given lack of consensus, and I arrived at the conclusion that there were trends as to the age group and demographic of involved parties: the women were often referred to as being at least in their 30s and older, and the men late teens to early 20s. Why was that?
I figured the first part had at least a precursor in Sex and the City, in which the single women protagonists were all identified as having reached "the big three oh". As a decade milestone the (perception of) expectation is still on women to have already made serious moves towards settling down with mister right (if not already done so) and having kids (if not already done so), a serious shift from the modern values of the affluent early 20s which are deemed "way too early to have kids". There's a conflict in there somewhere, like opposing pressures squeezing an individual who straddles this age.
As for the men, there's an increasing phenomenon called the late 20s crisis. A young man often seems to go out and graduate and then work and party with wild abandon and no thought... this directionless flailing seems to catch up to them not in the 40s anymore, but the 20s, wherein they go seeking some kind of enlightenment by travelling or doing some new agey thing or whatever. It's this wild abandon that characterises the "boy toy", since men are also, to an extent, also expected to "mature and settle down".
At least that's my take on the matter.
Allow me to play Devil's advocate by posing a counter-example (Nicho may have some comment on this): I have a socially conservative, very traditional Christian Singaporean colleague who specifically wanted to go out (and marry) a girl whose primary quality was innocence and vulnerability, specifically so he could be, essentially, her knight in shining armour. He was very earnest about this, too, as he firmly believed that he had a duty to "be the man" just as the woman had a duty to "be the damsel in distress" (now I'm being facetious).
I don't think that it's the norm here, but I wouldn't say it's unusual. Phrased in a different way and viewed in a more charitable light, said conservative Chinese man is in some senses, fulfilling his social and family obligations/pressures?
You must be logged in to post a reply!