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The Book of Breakfastarianism
Commandments: And the Lord spoke thusly:
1) Thou shall not have any meals before breakfast. 2) Thou shall not forget to eat breakfast and thou shalt keep it delicious. 3) Thou shall not make wrongful use of breakfast by eating instant or pre-made breakfasts. 4) Thou shall not steal food from your neighbors plate at breakfast. 5) Thou shall not covet your neighbors breakfast nor his seat in the booth by the window.
The Beggining
In the beggining of time, there was nothing. But then came forth a mighty rumbling. Twas the stomach of the Lord, and He was famished. So He spoke. And He did say "Let there be light!" And the universe was washed with light, for the Lord could not make His meal in the dark. He then made all the stars in the sky and all the planets surrounding them because He thought they looked very nice. In doing so, He made a cluster of stars and planets he named the Milkyway for it sounded tasty. This galaxy became His favourite, so He made a decision: He going to create a planet with man upon it so they too could see the beauty he Made. After seven days and nights, the Lord was done making the planet and man. And the Lord did grin. And the Lord then did feast. He ate the skies, stars and the planets. He then spoke "This way, I shall always be able to watch over and protect man along with the universe around him." Feeling accomplished and satiated, the Lord then went on His way.
I believe there really ought to be some sort of homage to the most delicious and holy of all breakfast foods. Of course, I refer to the almighty bacon.
Why, it is the new religion bound to spread like wild fire and take the world by surprise. It all came to me in a vision, and I am the one that needs to spread the word.
The ban: 1"(A)When the LORD your God brings you into the land where you are entering to possess it, and clears away many nations before you, the lunchitites, dinites, pre-preparedites, and before-breakfastites (B)5 nations greater and stronger than you, 2and when the LORD your God serves them before you and you eat them, (C)then you shall utterly destroy them (D)You shall make no covenant with them (E)and show no mercy to them.
3"Furthermore, (F)you shall not intermarry with them; you shall not give your daughters to their sons, nor shall you take their daughters for your sons.
4"For they will turn your sons away from following Me to serve other foods; then the anger of the LORD will be kindled against you and (G)He will quickly eat you for breakfast.
5"But thus you shall do to them: (H)you shall tear down their tables, and smash their sacred pillars, and hew down their [a]Asherim, and burn their graven images with fire.
6"For you are (I)a holy people to the LORD your God; the LORD your God has chosen you to be (J)a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth.
7"(K)The LORD did not set His love on you nor choose you because you were more in number than any of the peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples,
8but because the LORD loved you and kept the (L)oath which He swore to your forefathers, (M)the LORD brought you out by a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of bad food, from the hand of The Fat American.
9"Know therefore that the LORD your God, (N)He is God, (O)the faithful God, (P)who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who (Q)love Him and keep His commandments;
10but (R)repays those who hate Him to their faces, to eat them; He will not delay with him who hates Him, He will repay him to his face.
11"Therefore, you shall keep the commandment and the statutes and the judgments which I am commanding you today, to do them.
Promises of God 12"(S)Then it shall come about, because you listen to these judgments and keep and do them, that the LORD your God will keep with you His covenant and His lovingkindness which He swore to your forefathers. 13"He will (T)love you and bless you and (U)multiply you; He will also bless the fruit of your breakfast, your grain and your new eggs and your bacon, the increase of your herd and the young of your flock, in the land which He swore to your forefathers to give you.
14"You shall be blessed above all peoples; there will be no male or female (V)hungry among you or among your cattle.
15"(W)The LORD will remove from you all bad foods; and He will not put on you any of the bland breakfasts of Egypt which you have known, but He will lay them on all who hate you.
16"You shall consume all the peoples whom the LORD your God will deliver to you; (X)your eye shall not pity them, nor shall you serve their gods food, for that would be (Y)a snare to you.
17"If you should say in your heart, 'These nations are greater than I; how can I (Z)dispossess them?'
18you shall not be afraid of them; you shall well (AA)remember what the LORD your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt:
19(AB)the great trials which your eyes saw and the signs and the wonders and the mighty hand and the outstretched arm by which the LORD your God brought you out. So shall the LORD your God do to all the peoples of whom you are afraid.
20"Moreover, the LORD your God will send (AC)the plague of no plates against them, until those who are left and hide themselves from you perish.
21"You shall not dread them, for (AD)the LORD your God is in your midst, (AE)a true breakfast champion.
22"(AF)The LORD your God will eat away these nations before you little by little; you will not be able to put an end to them quickly, for the beasts would grow too numerous for you to eat all at once.
23"(AG)But the LORD your God will deliver them before you, and will throw them into great confusion until they are destroyed.
24"(AH)He will deliver their kings into your mouth so that you will make their name perish from under heaven; (AI)no man will be able to stand before you until you have eaten them.
25"The graven images of their gods you are to (AJ)eat with swords; you shall (AK)not covet the pancakes or the bacon that is on them, nor take it for yourselves, or you will be (AL)snared by it, for it is an (AM)abomination to the LORD your God.
26"You shall not bring an abomination into your house, and like it come under the (AN)ban; you shall utterly detest it and you shall utterly abhor it, for it is something banned.
This is a slightly altered version of the real dewteronomy 7. It is a joke, and I do not believe it really.
