I have come to show you all the truth about our lives, the universe the end of the world. As of yet, there is only a sparse section of the holy text done. But more is to come! Have faith. Join today, and learn the truth!
The Book of Breakfastarianism
Commandments: And the Lord spoke thusly:
1) Thou shall not have any meals before breakfast. 2) Thou shall not forget to eat breakfast and thou shalt keep it delicious. 3) Thou shall not make wrongful use of breakfast by eating instant or pre-made breakfasts. 4) Thou shall not steal food from your neighbors plate at breakfast. 5) Thou shall not covet your neighbors breakfast nor his seat in the booth by the window.
The Beggining
In the beggining of time, there was nothing. But then came forth a mighty rumbling. Twas the stomach of the Lord, and He was famished. So He spoke. And He did say "Let there be light!" And the universe was washed with light, for the Lord could not make His meal in the dark. He then made all the stars in the sky and all the planets surrounding them because He thought they looked very nice. In doing so, He made a cluster of stars and planets he named the Milkyway for it sounded tasty. This galaxy became His favourite, so He made a decision: He going to create a planet with man upon it so they too could see the beauty he Made. After seven days and nights, the Lord was done making the planet and man. And the Lord did grin. And the Lord then did feast. He ate the skies, stars and the planets. He then spoke "This way, I shall always be able to watch over and protect man along with the universe around him." Feeling accomplished and satiated, the Lord then went on His way.
Haha, very good! I am sad to say that the progress of the holy texts is coming very slowly, due to fining myself a job inorder to please corporate America. But! someday soon they will be done. Have faith, and always eat your breakfast.
Uhm, this sounds like... A big rip off of Christianity... The whole, seven days and seven nights, and the stars, well, not the whole... Eating the sky part... But still!
This is the same concept as Pastafarianism. Or whatever the hell it's called. It's atheists trying (and, in my opinion, failing) to debunk religions by asserting that their ridiculous notions compare to real religions. They don't, mostly because real religions are simply a guide to live by. I accept very little of the Christian Bible as actual fact, and more of it as simply a metaphorical representation of concepts. Granted, I don't find the concept of the resurrection absurd, but Genesis? Come on. There's no way you can take that literally.
Hey, you non believers. Stop spouting vile blather and being disrespectful before getting the right details. I did not rip anything off, as all ideas came to me one day unrelated to anything else out there. And maybe you should take a step off of your self-appointed soap boxes and chill the out for a bit.
Of course it will catch on. Who does not like breakfast.
Rejoice, brothers and sisters! The last part of the holy texts has been found! Sadly, the middle parts are still lost...but one day they shall be found!
The End of Times
If we do not follow the Commandments and the will of out Lord, the end of times will come. It will begin with the the failure of the world's crops and famine, due to man not fulfilling their duty to be healthy and eat a proper breakfast. The second sign shall be an overall worsening in the overall healty and beauty of our planet, for the Lord no longer feels as much love for us and thus does not see as much need to protect us. Lastly, demons from Hell shall come forth, no longer restrained by our Lord. Fissures shall form is all of the major cities of the world, issuing fire and smoke. From these scars upon the land will come the servants of the Devil himself. They will find the non-believers, restrain them and bring them down to Hell where they will be force fed nothing but grease and pre-made sugary confections for the rest of eternity. Due to the violence caused by the hellspawn, our Lords stomach shall become most irriated. Sickend by man and all the ill they have caused, He will spew us forth from whence we came...sending us spiraling out of control for the rest of time. Shortly after, man will cease to exist as we know it. Yet all is not lost, for the faithful shall have a place with God when their time comes. All followers of the Lord and His teachings will wake to find themselves in a 24/7 diner that serves only the most wholesome of foods and breakfast items, with the Lord as the ever-smiling short-order cook. And all will be well once again.
Just like EVERY SINGLE RELIGION... Support it because it's the truth! Breakfast is the holiest of meals and until you accept that you will be doomed to reside in Hell, which is the sphincter of the Almighty God. It smelleth of sulphur and stinkith to high heaveneth.
