It's alright. It isn't structured very good but I am sure you read it one way while others read it another. I have even made the mistake of writing poems to my own little tunes that only I could imagine but poems are best when everybody can figure out the tune themselves or in the least, make their own up.
Unsaid and unshared do not end the same way but they both start with "un". I suggest you reorganize those lines so instead of ending with those words, you start with them.
Sunny days, full of rain where joy lays next to ...pain
the "..." is an inturuption. I can see how in your own mind you made that work with the rest of the poem but this is the part where the tune of the poem is heard only by you and not so much everybody else.
If I could restructure the poem myself I would change the first part into something like this:
Unsaid are the words Unshared, our kisses Sunlit days of rain Where joy lingers next to pain.
Sorry if I seemed to bash down your poem. Though it could be better, you show great potential. Please comment me under my profile if I helped or not or if I was being too much of a critic.
Please share some more of your poems as well. Looking foreword to seing what else you have.
For now on, do not judge poems on their spelling. You have no clue how annoying it is to see people focusing on the spelling more than the poem itself.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts on this very poem. This poem means so much to me, u gotta know. I am thankful for every critic and every compliment. "NoNameC68".... I want to thank you for your open words, your critic and your motivation to try harder. To be honest, I don't so much like the way you tryed to turn my poem into your words. Somehow it has turned the meaning round, at least for me. I know I am just at the beginning and it's not yet complete. tell me what u think about this one here:
Words unsaid Sweet kisses unshared
Sunny days so ful of rain Where joy lingers next to pain.
I know, All I gotta do is,... one step But I guess I'm to affraid My intentions may slip away The moment I see you face to face.
so things just stay the same ... cold undone unsaid withheld unshared off hold
hm, when I read the lines of this poem I am still missing that special something that made me write this. I feel it inside, but i ain't got the words that may descripe it best. U all need to know english isn't my mother toungue. So thank you all once again,... Janine
I got something right here and I want u to check it out.
You know, we got our own damn story... and you know that we've just started,(yeah) so we've just begun,... let's continue let's do this....,(let's do it babe) we already past chapter one now it's time for chapter two... (of "me&you"
We own it to our hands You know we can do anything slip in our wishes and plans it's gon' be a whole different thing. try something new. This time we ain't gon' part, (no not this time) this time i won't disappoint you this time you won't hurt me, (no, no) this time i am ready to give everthing and therefor i do anything. this time i won't fear,.. noone and nothing at all. We were part for to long,... here is the chance to continue, after part one let's write chapter two. Baby i can't wait anylonger,... to continue,... Let's make up for chapter two.
This is our chapter two of "me&you" from chapter one to chapter two from chapter one to chapter two
____________________ This one i used to write for a song,.... let me know what u think about this.
Here is one more, just wrote it under a minute, lol. check this out:
Between A and Z are the words in my head. Words I got teached from birth till death.
So straight, that's how they're made.
A billion words and names, But sometimes I can't find the right words to express the way I feel So many words exist but then I find myself speechless struggle for words, struggle for a gesture that may best express how I feel. I realize,... there has to be find a new language for moments/ emotions like this,...
dear ElvenWarlord3912, I was trying to find your poems, but I couldn't find anyone : ( Pls tell me where to check for it! I would love to read 'em. by the way, this forum is very disordered. Makes it so hard to find what I am looking for. Does anyone feel the same way????
