In unease, there is ease in error. Problems arise quickly when there is tension. This, however was a surprise...
The wind blew around the feet of the civilians as they walked steadily faster. The buildings around them were bleak, and stone. Their names were shayneii and skater_kid_who_pwns (skwpwns). Looming in the distance was the well lit dwelling of Carlie. Surrounding that, however, were the dwellings of the many users that had been shunned by the community manager. Skwpwns looked into the damp alleyways that were on either side.
Why doesn't somebody put a light in those?
remarked skwpwns. Shayneii made no reply. They were not friends. They were merely heading in the same direction. And scared.
Armor Games had one real religion: Breakfastarianism. Invented and preached by Devoidless, it had dominance over the city. Either you were a breakfastarian, or nothing. Recently there had been problems. A citizen, Ricador, had begun to preach anti-breakfastarianism and there became a rift. Some users strongly for this religion and some users were placed against it. Moegreche ended this by crushing the stall in the forum, which had become something of a hub. Shayneii was a breakfastarian, but skater had not conformed to a religion. Neither were particularly knowledgeable about this new religion. "All streets lead to Rome" or Carlie's mansion. There were a few other prominent households- Daniel McNeely who was the founder of Armor Games but was not too well know, John (jmtb02) was a head game developer. His job was to plan out games and activities (all called games) that would be played, sometimes for fun, mostly as a job. Shayneii and skater both lived on the street that Carlie's house was on. It was easy to commute, so they did that. Occasionally Shayneii or Skater would come in with a "ghost citizen" who would usually be removed from the city. There were many more ghost citizens coming in than going out, but any help was good help.
Shayneii wrapped his cloak around himself. "What was that?" He asked. Skater felt it too. There was something either right, or very wrong.
A citizen, Ricador,, had begun to preach anti-breakfastarianism and there became a rift. Some users strongly for this religion and some users were placed against it. Moegreche ended this by crushing the stall in the forum, which had become something of a hub.
Totally sweet! This would be a good time to work on those writing skills, so I have some tips:
* With regards to 'flow', try reading aloud and see how elegantly the sentence flows. For example instead of "there became a rift", try "a rift developed". Because unless you really want somebody to stumble and do a double-take, it's easier to use the standard subject-verb construction.
* To really extend the metaphor, I'd call Dan McNeely the mayor or even the lord, or aristocrat, or, to be most realistic, the King of the land. Carlie might be the mayor in that case, and John the planner and master architect of the town, whereas Sphigford, with his exclusively logistical role, would be in charge of executing certain infrastructural plans...get the idea? And yeah, forum, tavern, all that, you've got the hang of it I think.
To really extend the metaphor, I'd call Dan McNeely the mayor or even the lord, or aristocrat, or, to be most realistic, the King of the land. Carlie might be the mayor in that case, and John the planner and master architect of the town, whereas Sphigford, with his exclusively logistical role, would be in charge of executing certain infrastructural plans...get the idea? And yeah, forum, tavern, all that, you've got the hang of it I think.
Awesome ideas =) I agree. If you are going to go with the metaphors, I would make it stronger by integrating more of them.
But so far it really fits in well with the site, and I enjoy reading the updates. Keep them coming!
great story! keep writing i cant wait for more. i think the best thing about this whole story is that fantastik metaphore. and i can (even though i know how it looks in real (in the forum)) picture those houses and chalie and skater and everyone walking between those houses. but again great story! and keep the good work going!
