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The Writings of SupaLegit

Posted Mar 13, '11 at 12:42pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

I am going to post the poems ant etc I make here. A critique and feedback would be appreciated!
The first one:
   
         It
It lurks in the shadows;
Hides from the light.
So evil it turns meadows
Into nothing more than a horrible sight!

Dark and grim,
Gruesome and deadly
It is horrid and turns everything dim!

Children please, promise me,
That thee do not go
Outside alone!
It will shred you to pieces,
Eat your insides,
Drink your blood,
And feast on thy!

As It is dark and grim,
Gruesome and deadly,
Turns everything depressing and dim.

You have reached a crossroads,
Have a choice to make,
What will it be?

Choose wrong and the
Last thing we may hear from you
Is a blood curdling shriek that pierces the night!

So promise me children that thee
Do not go outside alone.
For It is lurking, and waiting for YOU!

 

Posted Mar 13, '11 at 5:34pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

I am going to post the poems ant etc I make here

My bad 'ant' is supposed to be and. Next up is two Haikus, I hop you like them. Note that Haiku isn't my specialty and I will be working on them. :)

      Blooming Rain
Tapping, tapping, tap.
Rain comes and goes, ceasing never.
Blooming life for you.

Summer is Here
Just 'round the corner
Summer days have come so far.
Wake up to Summer

 

Posted Mar 13, '11 at 5:37pm

IcyIndia

IcyIndia

545 posts

Hey, it may be good to make a space between your poems and the titles, or make the titles bold or something. I can't actually tell where the title stops and the poem starts. :P

 

Posted Mar 13, '11 at 6:37pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Yeah I'll start to do that, did you like the poems though? ;D

 

Posted Mar 13, '11 at 8:29pm

Maverick4

Maverick4

3,707 posts

Sorry, but this isn't a haiku. The middle line has too many sylabuls. Observe:

Tapp-ing, tapp-ing, tap. (5)
Rain comes and goes, ceas-ing ne-ver. (8)
Bloom-ing life for you. (5)

Other than that, there not bad. Keep it up.

 

Posted Mar 13, '11 at 8:32pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Rain comes and goes, ceas-ing ne-ver. (8)

Yikes, my bad, I was meaning to change it before I posted that, but I see now that i forgot, I am sorry ;/

 

Posted Mar 21, '11 at 9:07pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

I'm sorry that it has been a while.:( I have been really busy with school work and sports. I have edited my flawed Haiku *Yay!*, and made a more modern style ode.

~Edited Haiku:

Blooming Rain
Tapping, tapping, tap.
Rain comes and goes, ceasing not,
Blooming life for you.

Now for the Ode~

         Ode to a Dog
Thanks to this animal whom brings me joy;
Thanks to that dog that is there for me.
Sitting there with his  toy,
Waiting to be loved is he.
Little does he know what he does for me

His bark so strong and bold,
His snarl protective in the middle of the night.
This is his home and he will scare them cold;
They who pose a threat may suffer his bite
If they enter his home; You have been told!
Thanks to that dog that is there for me.

Life would not be the same without him.
Like a light forever dim,
So dull and boring.
Life-is-a-snoring.
Thanks to this animal who brings me joy.

 

Posted Mar 23, '11 at 12:14am

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

I wrote this following poem in a dark perspective as I did with It. I hope you like the Dark goodness! ;P

   Eternal Pain
Eternal dark is all I see,
Oh how much do I want to be
Free, happy and to see the light.
Instead all I get is a painful bite.

The glass shatters and the Dark batters.
Have I lost all hope?
Np, the hope will not shatter.
It will prevail and clear the dark;
Shadows vanish and the cold will scatter.

Nothing can stop me as it
Seems to be getting better now.
Oh how do I long for the light! Alas,
Be it my insanity or is the Dark bright?

So close, yet so far, my life almost par.
The Dark be nothing more than shards.
Shards of pain and shards of Hell.
I shall lock the shards behind prison bars.
For I have wont this game of cards!
The Light is now mine, I hear the Bell.

But wait!
It is the dark I hate;
It is mercilessly dragging me down!
I am being dragged down and I frown.
I yell for help, yet no one is there.
I don't know how much more I can bear.

I now begin to cry;
For my Savior did not follow through,
And I wave a painful good-bye
To the world I will never know.
It was so close, but in the end,
I'm in eternal pain.

 

Posted Mar 26, '11 at 9:56pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,627 posts

I really like your poems, but sometimes the rhythm seems a bit off.

 

Posted Mar 26, '11 at 11:12pm

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

Perhaps a few lines could have been worded better, but for the most part you need to read them a certain way. Thank you very much for liking them though :)
------------

     The Tear

The tear streaking my cheek
Pierces a road of sorrow.

The pain swells, tearing me
From inside-out.

His eyes no more than a misty haze
Lost, looking for help.
His dieing breath stinging my chilled flesh.

I attempt to calm my raging mind
In vain, and I utterly break down.

I stare into his eyes; deeply searching the haze.
I whisper in his ear,
Enraged that he probably couldn't hear
My plead to please don't leave me.
For I'd be lost wreck without my best friend.

The tear now boils,
Searing my skin, searing the road.
My tear is now a raging inferno;
I will avenge him, for me and his kin.

Bloody footprints will be all that is left
Of his murderer. Nothing more, nothing less!

 
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