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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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I decided I'd try and post some of my poems on here, since I liked the first line poem thread so much. I would really like some advice on how to improve. Thanks!

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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
750

War

Grayness clouds the eyes,
of a man fading from life,
Such sorrow and broken hope,
Such horror and strife.
His arm falls limply to his side,
His sword falls from his hand,
This is what war does to us
Death of the memories of man

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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750

Regrets and Sorrow

Drowning in your tears,
That fall sparkling from your eyes,
The sorrow fills the empty room,
And swells towards the skies,
I find myself trying to swim,
But your regrets bog me down,
I'm falling through your broken dreams,
I'm not afraid to drown.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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750

Sounds

A repetitive noise,
A buzzing beep,
A loudly clanging
herd of sheep,
A bashing, banging
waterfall,
A bouncing, crashing,
falling ball,
A slurping, groaning
choir of hounds,
A howling growling
noise resounds.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
750

A Life Unseen

I'd like to live a life unseen,
Melting into night,
I'd like to stay in a dream,
Hiding from the light.
Quiet, living in the cracks
of a land unknown,
I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks
And disappear all alone.

LivingToDie
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LivingToDie
305 posts
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I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks


Loved that line!

Brilliant work TNT, keep it up.
Told ya people would read it.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
750

Thanks, you guys.
Your comments made me very, very happy.

jeol
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jeol
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"A Life Unseen" is really good!
Just a couple of things...
I'd like to stay within a dream,
and
And disappear () alone.
I think it would make it flow easier. But still, really really good poem.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
750

I'll try to submit a poem every day. Though that'll probably be pretty darn difficult...

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
750

Thanks, jeol! That does make it flow a lot better.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
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A Life Unseen

I'd like to live a life unseen,
Melting into night,
I'd like to stay in a dream,
Hiding from the light.
Quiet, living in the cracks
of a land unknown,
I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks
And disappear all alone.

This poem was magnificent TNT! Truly amazing.
I do agree with jeol in terms of making it flow better, plus the within just... needs to be there, makes more sense.
The poem has a nice meaning behind it as well.

In "War" the last line could be changed to make it sound better, but it too is remarkable. Oh one tiny mistake capitalize the o in Of ;P
master565
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master565
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Like everyone's said A Life Unseen is incredible. Also don't try to upload once a day, take your time, quality over quantity.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
750

My first attempt at a slightly different kind of rhyming...give me feedback please...

Restless Sun

The sun streams restless, between the trees,
Lighting patterns on the roads.

It shines through small holes through the clouds,
Making pastures gently glow.

A single ray of warmth creeps up,
It crawls toward my seat.

I welcome the gift from the sun,
Savor its glowing heat.

master565
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master565
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Really mysterious and powerful, i love it

jeol
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jeol
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Did you intend to write "restless, between" instead of "restlessly between"? I kind of like it. Really good poem.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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750

I intended to write "restless, between" because if I wrote the other one the syllables wouldn't match. D:

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