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Tackeh's 10,000 Etchings

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 12:01am

SupaLegit

SupaLegit

651 posts

A Life Unseen

I'd like to live a life unseen,
Melting into night,
I'd like to stay in a dream,
Hiding from the light.
Quiet, living in the cracks
of a land unknown,
I'd like to follow Earheart's tracks
And disappear all alone.

This poem was magnificent TNT! Truly amazing.
I do agree with jeol in terms of making it flow better, plus the within just... needs to be there, makes more sense.
The poem has a nice meaning behind it as well.

In "War" the last line could be changed to make it sound better, but it too is remarkable. Oh one tiny mistake capitalize the o in Of ;P

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 12:09am

master565

master565

3,874 posts

Like everyone's said A Life Unseen is incredible. Also don't try to upload once a day, take your time, quality over quantity.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 1:33pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,627 posts

My first attempt at a slightly different kind of rhyming...give me feedback please...

Restless Sun

The sun streams restless, between the trees,
Lighting patterns on the roads.

It shines through small holes through the clouds,
Making pastures gently glow.

A single ray of warmth creeps up,
It crawls toward my seat.

I welcome the gift from the sun,
Savor its glowing heat.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 4:07pm

master565

master565

3,874 posts

Really mysterious and powerful, i love it :)

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 7:41pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Did you intend to write "restless, between" instead of "restlessly between"? I kind of like it. Really good poem.

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 7:47pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,627 posts

I intended to write "restless, between" because if I wrote the other one the syllables wouldn't match. D:

 

Posted Mar 27, '11 at 9:58pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,627 posts

Thanks Star, for the compliments!
And also *

 

Posted Mar 28, '11 at 3:53pm

TackyCrazyTNT

TackyCrazyTNT

1,627 posts

I tried to not rhyme in this one. Tell me how you like it!

Unfortunate Acts

We can never control ourselves,
We do as we please,
Fighting the authority
Because we are bored,
Stealing from the poor
Though we have all we need,
Committing acts
We wish we could take back.
And making mistakes
That haunt our minds forever.

 

Posted Mar 28, '11 at 4:04pm

TruthfulLiar

TruthfulLiar

11 posts

These are pretty decent poems, Tacky.
Sometimes not rhyming in a poem sounds much better to me than a poem that rhymes, good work!

 

Posted Mar 28, '11 at 4:43pm

jeol

jeol

3,565 posts

Sometimes not rhyming in a poem sounds much better to me than a poem that rhymes, good work!

Yeah, if you try to rhyme usually it doesn't come out right. It's best to let it flow. Good poem, TNT.

 
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