This guy walks into a bar and orders a shot. He takes it down really quickly. The bartender asks,"What's wrong?" The man answers,"I just found out my son is a homo."
The next day the same guy comes back and takes two shots. The bartender asks whats wrong. "I just found out my other son is a homosexual."
The next day he comes in and orders 3 shots. The bartender then asks, "Does anybody in your family like women?" The man answers,"Yeah my duaghter."
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
3 people found a genie and he said, "If you jump off that hill and yell what you want to be then you will appear on the ground not hurt and turned into the thing you said." The first guy jumped and yelled," The smartest person in the world!" The second guy jumped and yelled, "The richest person in the world!" Then the third guy was running to jump off when all of a sudden he tripped on a rock and said," Oh crap." And appeated on the ground as poop.
I know a pretty good one but I don't know if it's that funny if you don't tell it personal:
There are 3 guys walking through the forest and suddenly a ferry appears. The ferry said:"each of you has 3 wishes". So the first guy beginns with his first wish. "I'd like to have a big island only for myself, it has to be somewhere where it is warm. It has to be very nice there just like an island of my dreams." The second guy said:"I wanna have an island too only for myself but it has to be so much bigger then the other guys island. It has to be much nicer and more beautiful. Just so much better the the island of the other guy." So it was the third guys turn. He said:"I want that my left arm swings all the time around!" Everybody looked at each other but yeah it's his wish! So it's the first guys second wish:"I wanna have a lot of money, I wanna have more money then all the people on the world together. I just wanna have money so that I don't have to work at all anymore." The Second one says:"I wanna have even more money then the other guy so I can buy myself even more stuff and can build a bigger house then him!" So it's the third guys turn again:"I want that my right arm swings as well all the time!" So they have a last wish and the first guy says:" The only thing I need right now is a perfect woman for me. She has to be good in bed she has to be very very very good-looking and she has to love me to death." The second one says:" I want the even more beautiful woman then he has, I want that she is more perfect then his woman and she has to love me even more. It has to just a perfect relationship." So it was the third ones turn for the last time and he says:" I want that my head swings all the time as well!" After 2 years they get together and talk about their life. The first one says:" My life is so good. You can't imagine how beautiful my house is that I built on my island and my wife is just perfect what do I want more in life?" The second one says:" My life is even better then yours I got the even bigger house then you and my wife loves me more then yours you! My life is even easiers then yours!" and finally the third guy says, swinging his both arms and his head:" Hey guys I think the things that I wished sucked!"
the wounded man that had an heavy accident has woken up and saw the doctor next too his bed. the doctor said, i have good news and bad news. what do you wanna hear first? the man said, it cant get any worser than this so tell me the bad news. the bad news is you have only 3 days too live. the man paniced and started too cry and said"doctor what could be good news after i heard this? well you have also amnesia so you will forget what i have said tomorow.
well unfortnatly this one is pretty racist. and not too funny. but i said it too somone today.
In a game of flag football there are a group of freidns all playing. There are 2 really competetive people each on different teams. One is white and the other is asian. The white kid scores 5 tuchdowns and rubs it in the asians face since he didn't have any and they were pretty mad at eachother. So the white person says it to the asian just like this, "so whats that now like ummm lets see...one...two...three...four...five!!!" and they were all caught when you were covering me! the asian kid says, "that's real great than you can make that many TDs!!!" and then the white kid says, "ya so i have 5 tuchdowns and... wait can you count that high or do i need to give you som lessons?" but the white kid wasnt done yet. he scores another and rubs it in the asians face...AGAIN. so by this time the asain has had enough and says, "shut the f*** up dumb redneck!!!" the white kid had one last word for the asain. he says to go back to china living in a cardboard box where you belong you smelly piece of s***. and thats pretty much it...before they get into a fight.
A blond decides to do something sheâs never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment thereâs nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, âI just rented an adult movie from you and thereâs nothing on the tape, but static.â
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, âWhich title did you rent?â The blond replied, âItâs called âHead Cleaner.ââ
Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came accross a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.
The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
a man is in his backyard and suddenly he saw his neighbour running too him screaming, help! help! whats the problem the man said. mine mother in law wants too jump out of the window. the man looked a bit suprised too the neighbour. well then let her jump the man said. well thats the problem, the window wont open.
