micheal jackson and steven spielberg were running out of a burning building full of children. micheal jakson says "what about the kids?" "f**k the kids" replied steven spielberg "do we have time?" asked micheal jakson
micheal jackson and steven spielberg were running out of a burning building full of children. micheal jakson says "what about the kids?" "f**k the kids" replied steven spielberg "do we have time?" asked micheal jakson
um, I didn't know you were gonna count that one as my entry..... I have several totally better ones. I just wanted to show off the ones that I have made. like this:
two heads of lettuce wear sitting in the soil, enjoying themselves. but suddenly, one of them said " I think that celery is stalking us!"
not my entry, but tell me what you think. (and if I can still join, I didn't know I was being judged already.)
Listen to this one... A teacher was in an accident over the summer and had to get a cast on his chest, but it was not noticeable under his shirt. On the first day of school, all the kids in the classroom were noisy and wouldn't listen, so he opened the window and sat calmly at his desk. When a breeze came in and fluttered his tie, he absentmindedly stapled it to his chest. He didn't have any more trouble for the rest of the year. Did you like it?
Another... On the first day of school, all the kids were surprised when a magnificent stallion walked into the room. When he began to teach, though, he had such a squeaky, shrill voice that the kids were rofling and loling, and the stallion kept yelling and screaming for them to quiet down, but they only laughed more. He was hoarse at the end of the day. The next day, he brought in a little pony. The kids began to laugh, but the pony roared in a loud voice, "SHUT UP!!!" There was no more trouble from the kids that day. The moral of the story: You have to keep screaming and yelling until you get a little horse. Heh heh, I love this one.
Alright, sorry for the wait. Couldn't decide which one, so I'll give you two. Consider it an extra one for the wait.
Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.
Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.
All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.
Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.
Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.
Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way."
Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?" To which the chauffeur replied, "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.
The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"
The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."
The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with no clothes, still believed he was in a paradise?"
lol these are all crazy glod i dunno how ive missed these all...i wana add 1
a blonde a brunet and a redhead where on the top of a building...on the building they met a genie who had 3 magic nickles that turned the holder into anything they said... and they could have them if they jumped of the building
the genie looked at the brunett and gave her the nickle ...she jumped off and quickly said "i wish i was a bird" and flew away
the genie then looked at the brunett and gave her the nickle...she jumped of and said "i wish i was a leaf" and she gently floated down
the genie then looked at the blonde and have her the last nickle...the blonde sliped of the building and yelled "oh poop"
this is my joke for round 2 if u dont like it then ill change it.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says:Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies:Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
