Doctor, Doctor I can't stop stealing things Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV! Doctor, Doctor What can I do? I think I'm a pair of curtains? Pull yourself together man! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge? What's come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach. Doctor, Doctor I think I'm god? How did that start? In the beginning there was darkness...... Doctor, Doctor Every bone in my body aches! Just be glad you aren't a herring! Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion? Of course, come back tomorrow! Doctor, Doctor I think I've broken my neck? Don't worry - keep your chin up! Doctor Doctor My daughter has just swallowed my pen - what shall I do? Use a pencil! Doctor Doctor What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar? I find that very hard to believe! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards? I'll deal with you later! Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking! Do you drink a lot? Not really - I spill most of it! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon? Still still and don't stir! Doctor, Doctor Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye! I suggest you take the spoon out! Doctor, Doctor My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me. Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it! Doctor, Doctor Please help me. I think I'm invisible Next Please! Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed my mouth organ Well look on the bright side, at least you weren't playing a grand piano! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a cat? How long has this been going on? Oh, since I was a kitten I guess! Doctor, Doctor I've got insomnia Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off! Doctor, Doctor Is there anything wrong with my heart? After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do!! Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite! Doctor Doctor I'm not well - can you give me something to make me better? Take 2 teaspoons of this after every meal? But Doctor, I've only got one teaspoon? Doctor to Dumb Blonde Well Miss, I've discovered your problem - you are pregnant! Oh! Is it mine?
There are only 2 occasions on which I party. 1. When it's my birthday. 2. When it's not.
My stupid neighbor banged on my door at 2:30 in the morning. Can you believe it? Luckily, I was awake playing the drums.
"You're like a drug to me." "Awww, why? Because you're hooked on me?" "No, because your ruining my life."
"You remind me of my little toe." "Awww, why? Because I'm small and cute?" "No, because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table by the end of tonight."
I'm going to go take a hot shower. It's like a regular shower, but with me in it.
What did the lion say to the octopus? Nothing, lions cannot speak. And even if they could, the chances of a lion encountering an octopus at any given time are very slim.
I love the joke app on my phone. It's what keeps me sane.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: âMy friend is dead! What can I do?â
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: âJust take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.â There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: âOK, now what?â
In a bar there was three vampires. One German vampire, one French vampire and one English. The German orders a hot cup of blood. He gets the cup and takes a sip. The French also orders a hot cup of blood. So he gets the cup of blood from the bartender. Then the Englishman orders a cup of hot water. Whereas the two vampires looks at him wondering. When the Englishman gets the water, from his pocket he picks out a used tampon and says: Teatime boys!
Funny you'd bring that up. I actually just finished the fifth book in the "How to Count" trilogy.
The back of the fourth book of a comedy sci-fi series (first one is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) says "The fourth book in the trilogy." This is no joke.
But this is. My robot's apartment number is 10010010010102.
Kruzchev is giving an American ambassidor a tour of Moscow.
'Comrade,' says Kruzchev 'Here in Moscow, you will find everything is better. Our own people love our country very much, because everything is better. They would do anything for our country. Lets talk to one of them now!' Kruzchev says, and he walks up to a little boy.
'Son,' says Kruzchev 'Who is your father?'
'Thats easy! The USSR is my father!'
'Very good! And who is your mother?'
'The Communist Party is my mother!'
Kruzchev winks at the American. 'And what do you want to be when you grow up?'
When NASA sent their first man into space, they realized that an average ball-point pen could not write in low-gravity. They spent millions developing a pen that could write in extreme conditions such as low gravity, temperatures well below freezing and well above boiling, even underwater!
There are 3 men on a cruise one English, one French and one Canadian. The boat starts sinking so they decide to throw there belongings out of the boat so it doesn't sink faster. The Frenchman throws of all his baguettes saying "I have lots in my country!" The Englishman throws of his tea bags and tea cups and he also says "I have lots in my country!" The Canadian man throws of the Frenchman and the Englishman saying "I have lots in my country!"
An another one.
A child asks his father "Is God a man or a women?" His father then replies "God's both my son." A few minutes later the child asks "Is Go black or white?" His father again replies "He's both my child, he's both." Puzzled the child asks one last time "Is God Micheal Jackson?"
