A blond girl is desperate to call to australia, when she sees a man she says: "ow can i please call to australia? I will do anything!" "anything?", the man asks. "Yes anything!"
"ok", the man said, come to my office.
A little while later in his office he says "Now sit on your knees before me and open my zipper" The blond does it and when she opens his zipper he says "Now grab it" And the blond grabs it with both hands.. "Do as you please" and the blond one goes with some hestitatent to it "hello, mom..?"
two men are hunting. one falls over and the other calls 911.the man says "i think my freind is dead." the operator replies, first make sure hes dead. theres a silence, and a gunshot is heard. the man comes back to the phone, "ok now what?"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas! Yo mamma's so stupid, she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Three guys die and go to heaven. God says to them "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in."
So God takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died. "Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I decided to come home from work early to try and catch her in the act. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! I was so mad I grabbed the fridge, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him and killed him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died."
God was taken aback, and said "While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in - off to limbo with you." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.
"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! Just as I'm coming around, I look up and BAM this fridge lands on me. So here I am."
God immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.
A Polish guy walks into a bar and says "Hey! Look what I almost stepped in!"
A Blind guy walks into a bar and says "Ow!"
A Man walks into a bar and sees a Horse. So he goes up to the Horse and says "Hey Horse, why the long face?". The Horse replies "My wife is dieing from terminal cancer!"
