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Lawl.
There was this dude at my school that would go around, it was so funny, and say wanna hear a joke? Women Drivers, and he said wanna hear a better one? Womens rights.
Well there was this girl and he told her the joke but when he got to the second part he said (for easy understanding I will use the quote button.)

wanna hear a better one?

your straight

A blonde business executive was driving down the road through the wheat fields when she saw a blonde woman out in the middle of the fields in a canoe trying to row her way along. The business executive, infuriated, pulled over to the side of the road. She jumped out of her car, yelling at the woman in the canoe "You stupid blonde! It's idiots like you that give us blondes a bad reputation, you know that!?!?! If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!!!"

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

An elder American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport. "You have been to France before Sir?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate official.

The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport.

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports when arriving in France."

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

"I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D Day in 1944, there was no Frenchman on the beach asking to see my passport!"

Im sure a lot of people have heard it but I feel like I should put it on here anyway.

Go up to a girl

Guy: Hey wanna go out sometime

Girl:I have a boyfriend

Guy: I have a goldfish

Girl: What?

Guy: Sorry I thought we were talkin bout sh*t that didn't matter

There were two whales swimming around who were very bored. When they saw a fishing boat, and the one whale said to the other: I got an idea for a laugh! Why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes and flip the boat. Just for a laugh.
They proceed to do this and swim back down laughing. Then the whale says: Hey! I have an even better idea. Now that the fishermen is in the water why don't we swim back up and eat them.
Then the other whale said: I'm up for a blowjob sometimes, but i refuse to swallow the seamen.

Go up to a girl
Guy: Hey wanna go out sometime
Girl:I have a boyfriend
Guy: I have a goldfish
Girl: What?
Guy: Sorry I thought we were talkin bout sh*t that didn't matter

I also have a very mean one:P

There are 3 men sitting in a car.. a nigger, a morrocan and a turk. Who is driving?

The police

****= a men who is black :P

R. A. P.:Retards Attempting Poetry

Your life.

Mwahahaha...

Okay that wasn't funny. <.<

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

This was a jokefail:

Me and my friend were bored so my friend said:

My friend: I'm gonna take out my phone and make a joke.

Me: Okay.

So, he pressed a random number to call a random someone:

My friend: Hello.

Random Person: Hello.

My friend: Your cheese pizza is ready. You might want to come to Roundtable here to pick it up.

Random person: What? I didn't even order pizza! Get out!

The random person hanged up.

And my friend and I laughed...xD One of the classic jokes, in which my friend failed to accomplish.

Another joke:

So, me and my friend, found out one of our classmates had a crush on someone.

And then me and my friend wrote a paper, to make our classmate think it was actually from his crush.

We drew hearts and "I love you" everywhere. xD

And then me and my friend taped the paper on our classmates locker.

The next day:

Classmate: Is it true?!

Classmate's Crush: What is?

Classmate: Read this.

Classmate's crush: I did not write that.

Classmate: But it said it was by you!

Classmate's Crush: Somebody did a prank on you then. I never liked you. You weirdo.

Classmate: *Silent*


And my friend and I laughed again. xD Another classic joke. But this time me accomplished it!

Vinster, someone did that to me before excluding the "You Weirdo" part =p

Vinster, someone did that to me before excluding the "You Weirdo" part =p